It’s strange, I’ve been mentally writing this post for a few weeks now and I always thought that I’d be in tears and upset while writing it. Now that I’m actually doing it, I feel almost numb. The last few weeks have been a grieving process, and for now it’s over.
We won’t be having any more children. For three years we’ve been trying. I’ve charted, taken my temperature, checked cervical position and fluid, did ‘it’ every cycle at the correct time and in the best position, taken tablets by the dozen, exercised, tried to relax, done acupuncure and Chinese herbs for over three months, abstained from alcohol and soft cheese, given up coffee temporarily, had surgery to make sure nothing was wrong, been poked, prodded, discussed, advised and for what? Nothing. In three years we have not conceived once.
I’ve been thinking for a few months that it was time to stop. I can’t keep on living my life in four week slots of time. I had planned to continue the acupuncture and herbs for another two cycles, however with Eddie deploying there’s no point. So this is it.
There isn’t going to be a baby. I’m never going to be pregnant again.
Recently, I didn’t go to church because I couldn’t face seeing pregnant women there. At work recently I left a morning tea, where a co-worker had brought in her newborn baby, and cried in the ladies because I knew that it was never going to be me.
There isn’t going to be a baby, I’ll never be pregnant again.