It’s strange, I’ve been mentally writing this post for a few weeks now and I always thought that I’d be in tears and upset while writing it. Now that I’m actually doing it, I feel almost numb. The last few weeks have been a grieving process, and for now it’s over.
We won’t be having any more children. For three years we’ve been trying. I’ve charted, taken my temperature, checked cervical position and fluid, did ‘it’ every cycle at the correct time and in the best position, taken tablets by the dozen, exercised, tried to relax, done acupuncure and Chinese herbs for over three months, abstained from alcohol and soft cheese, given up coffee temporarily, had surgery to make sure nothing was wrong, been poked, prodded, discussed, advised and for what? Nothing. In three years we have not conceived once.
I’ve been thinking for a few months that it was time to stop. I can’t keep on living my life in four week slots of time. I had planned to continue the acupuncture and herbs for another two cycles, however with Eddie deploying there’s no point. So this is it.
There isn’t going to be a baby. I’m never going to be pregnant again.
Recently, I didn’t go to church because I couldn’t face seeing pregnant women there. At work recently I left a morning tea, where a co-worker had brought in her newborn baby, and cried in the ladies because I knew that it was never going to be me.
There isn’t going to be a baby, I’ll never be pregnant again.
I’m so sorry Mel
I can’t imagine the heartbreak that you must be feeling at the moment as you try to come to terms with the end of your TTC journey. Huge hugs, Melissa
Mel, I am so sorry for the loss of your dreams. It is so painful to let go of something that we have dreamed of. Hugs and prayers to you and Eddie at this time; please email if you want to chat about anything.
Mel,
I’m so so very sorry. I know you are beyond sad and very disappointed. Please know I’m sending you tons of cyber hugs from across the pond.
Love to you and Eddie and Dian.
Sorry Mel. Been there. Know what you went thru, know what your are going through. Lost one in the very early weeks. Made me sad and gave me hope. But it was not in God’s plan for us. And I am glad. ME is a chosen child. If I had conceived, carried a child to term, I might not have ever known her. Known the joy of seeing her the first time, holding her in my arms. Feeling her stretch thru her bundling. The excitement of becoming her parents. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Hugs Mel, I’ve been thinking of you recently and hoping everything was going the way you wanted. I’m sorry your TTC journey has ended but please know that we are here for you should you need anything at all. Thoughts and prayers are with you. Love from all the Cherubs
Dear Mel,
I am so sorry for your loss. My sister went thru it and I know how hard it was for her to accept the loss of her dream. And with Eddie being depolyed on top of this, I know your plate is as full as it can be. My prayers will be with you now and in the days to come. I hope you can find some comfort from all the prayers I know are being offered for you right now.
Jeannie
Big, big, massive hugs Mel. I think you are a very strong woman to deal with this and I can only begin to understand and empathise with your sorrow and the loss you must have been feeling this past while. Enjoy your last little bit with Eddie before he goes away and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or rant at I’m only an email or phonecall away.
[Also sorry I didn't reply to this post earlier - your blog hadn't been refreshing properly in my browser I think because I only saw this post today]
Oh, Mel honey…I’m so sorry. Sending big hugs and lots of prayers your way!
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry.
thinking of you – love Kat
Oh Mel
I’m so sorry hun. I was so sure ‘it’ was going to happen for you guys this year.
Be kind to yourself. Big HUGE hugs
Hello there, found your blog via ‘down to earth’. What a brave post to write. I’m so sorry that your dream has to end. It is so hard living your life in 2 week slots. I’m having a dilemma of my own at the moment – I lost our baby recently and am now wondering whether we should try again or not as I’ll be 43 soon. I will be thinking of you.