The end of a dream

It’s strange, I’ve been mentally writing this post for a few weeks now and I always thought that I’d be in tears and upset while writing it. Now that I’m actually doing it, I feel almost numb. The last few weeks have been a grieving process, and for now it’s over.

We won’t be having any more children. For three years we’ve been trying. I’ve charted, taken my temperature, checked cervical position and fluid, did ‘it’ every cycle at the correct time and in the best position, taken tablets by the dozen, exercised, tried to relax, done acupuncure and Chinese herbs for over three months, abstained from alcohol and soft cheese, given up coffee temporarily, had surgery to make sure nothing was wrong, been poked, prodded, discussed, advised and for what? Nothing. In three years we have not conceived once.

I’ve been thinking for a few months that it was time to stop. I can’t keep on living my life in four week slots of time. I had planned to continue the acupuncture and herbs for another two cycles, however with Eddie deploying there’s no point. So this is it.

There isn’t going to be a baby. I’m never going to be pregnant again.

Recently, I didn’t go to church because I couldn’t face seeing pregnant women there. At work recently I left a morning tea, where a co-worker had brought in her newborn baby, and cried in the ladies because I knew that it was never going to be me.

There isn’t going to be a baby, I’ll never be pregnant again.

Yes…

This says it all.

Scroll down to “What No One Told You About Trying To Conceive”

Chinese Traditional Medicine and Fertility

I’ve been reading The Infertility Cure, that was recommended by a friend and decided to go and see a Traditional Chinese Medicine Dr for the infertility. had my first appointment today.

It was interesting… the Dr doesn’t speak english! LOL! So we had a male translator… I don’t think his english was all that brilliant either! Not to mention the fact that we were discussing my cycle in a lot of detail!

Other than the language barrier, it was really interesting. The Dr took my pulses, then asked “Do you think a lot, all the time?” Absolutely nailed it! My mind is ALWAYS going! I literally go to sleep and wake up thinking! Anyway, apparently I have unbalanced liver and spleen Qi and blockages. I had massage and acupuncture, and have to have another nine sessions of those and pick up some herbal stuff tomorrow.

The massage was fine, not like a normal massage, it’s designed to work on the acupressure points. Which was all very well until she touched the liver points and I nearly hit the roof, several times! The acupuncture stung a little, not when the needles were inserted but afterwards. I had two on each foot, one in each shin and three in my lower belly. The one on the left side of my belly hurt! It felt like something was both pressing down and pulling taut at the same time. The others just stung a bit, but that one hurt!

The things we do….